There’s nothing wrong with being a pleasant person to be around. The Bible even encourages us to not be intentionally rebellious or cause contention with others.
“When possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” – Romans 12:18
But there are times when keeping the peace goes beyond just peaceable living, and becomes a state of living dishonestly with yourself and others.
What Is People Pleasing?
People pleasing often arises from what Scripture refers to as, “the fear of man.” Fear of man is when you are living a life where you become more concerned about satisfying the opinion of others than resting in God’s opinion of you.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10
People pleasing is often a habit we learn as early as childhood. We learn to try to please our parents to gain their love and approval. This habit can become an unhealthy pattern if we bring it into adulthood and begin to project this need to other people. What we’re actually doing is putting ourselves underneath the slavery of pleasing them, which shackles ourselves to their opinions and approval. Then we try to manage our relationships through this opinion manipulation, trying to control how others view us.
This becomes an even greater challenge in a culture where social acceptance is increasingly demanded. There is a pressure to avoid conflict and go along to get along with everyone else. Even social media has conditioned us to be aware of whether or not the things we share pleases others by implementing a “voting” system on the posts we share. In the workplace, many people fear their boss and are afraid to confront their superiors in a healthy way. You may encounter people who seem to threaten to explode into a tantrum if you don’t give them what they want. It can feel like walking eggshells trying to please everyone, which is not how we should live.
How do you know if you have developed a habit of people pleasing?
Here are a few signs that you might be people pleasing:
- You have multiple versions of yourself that you show others.
- You feel like you’re carefully managing conversations, and spend time scripting conversations in your head before or after you talk to people, “I should have said this, or that!”
- You burn yourself out for others, trying to keep them happy.
- You take responsibility for others’ opinions, burdens, and emotions.
- You feel guilty expressing your needs (don’t mistaken this for voluntary compromise)
- You hold an internal resentment toward others while you agree with them externally, especially authority figures.
If you identify with a few of these, you might want to examine if you’re living a life of people pleasing.
What’s the Problem with People Pleasing?
- God has called us to put Him first. This means above all people, kings, and powers, we fear and revere God the most. When you fear others and their opinions over God, it can become idolatry and an obstacle in your obedience to God and your walk with Jesus.
- People pleasing robs us of true, honest, meaningful relationships. God designed relationships to be genuine, both for ourselves and for those we encounter. He created you to be an expression of His glory, not to hide behind a false identity.
- People pleasing is exhausting. It will burn you out. You may have even adopted a false humility where you think you’re “sacrificing self” for others, when it’s actually a form of pride that you’re propping up a false humility image for others. Scripting conversations in your head and trying to manage how others perceive you will lead to fatigue and burn out. This is not the plan God has for you.
- You may grow resentful of the people you’re afraid of being honest with because there is an inner conflict in your soul when you’re not living an honest life who God created you to be.
False “Honesty”
Some people have no problem being “honest!” In fact, they will speak out without wisdom or discernment in disregard for others and say, “I’m just being honest.” This is not the kind of honesty I’m advocating for. In God’s wisdom, sometimes He leads us to speak up, and other times He leads us to keep quiet.
Gossip, slandering, and sharing your opinion when it is not appropriate can cause a lot of harm and damage to others. In the book of James, we learn that the tongue can be a destructive fire!
“The tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” James 3:5-6
I hope you can clearly understand this discernment for yourself between the unhealthy life of pleasing others versus having an “unbridled tongue” which is not any better! But for the sake of this article, I’m focusing on those who struggle with speaking up and being genuine around others to emphasize that God has not called us to live in such a way.
A Godly Way to be Honest
Sometimes when people have been operating out of people pleasing for so much of their lives and they finally find their voice and boundaries, they go overboard. It can take some time to learn to not just be honest, but to do it without attacking others. Sometimes honesty is like a volcano which has been waiting to erupt for years and when it explodes it does so in a way that is not God’s way.
There is a Godly way to be honest. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us of the fruits of a love which comes from God. We can be honest with others out of this same love. When we practice an honesty which comes from love, then there is no shame and condemnation we feel before God afterward. Living an honest life is something you do together with God and draws you closer to Him.
Ask God to lead you through this learning process and He will show you how to navigate this over time.
Turn Your Focus to God
When you’re faced with having to confront someone, imagine Jesus sitting in the room together with you while you’re talking to them. How would He respond? This goes back to the importance of us learning to care more about what God thinks of us than focused on what others think of us. It’s about being honest but through loving God first, and then loving others.
The first commandment of Jesus is to love God with all of your heart, soul, and mind. That must come first, and then we can walk in the second commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. We can’t allow people to become our “god” by living a life that pleases them. We also can’t hate ourselves by hiding who God made us to be. We were created for the purpose of walking in who God has made us to be in Christ Jesus.
Our relationship with others must come from our relationship with God. Our love for others must come from the love that God first poured on us in Jesus.
Even in your job at work, you are called to work “unto the Lord” and not just please your boss.
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” – Colossians 3:23
Now the question remains – do you fear God or do you fear man? Do you live a life of honesty, or of pleasing others. I encourage you to ask God how you can walk in the honesty of who He has called you to be. The Lord be with you, and have a blessed day.